Its been 4 years. Yesterday when i closed my eyes to sleep, all i could relaize was that i would be sleeping at that exact moment when that happened. The painful memories that were gushing back into my conciousness, teared me up. Why does this pain feel so fresh i wondered.
When my father was among us, i complained about many things he did i never agreed with. I didnot realize how much he ment to me then. Now, when it has been 4 years of him parting from us, i realize how important he was to me no matter how much i disagreed with him. Now when he is a beautiful memory is when i realize that it was nothing about him that mattered but all that mattered was him as a person. His flaws, his boons, his karma, his blessing nothing mattered, but all that mattered was him. The fact that i can never see a glimse of him smiling at me anymore or he will never make fun of me anymore, pains me the most. During his last days, the way he looked at me with pride because i was able to publish my first poetry book, makes me happy and tearry. As a child i am glad i could make him proud.
Though i never hurt him by any means till date, i wished i had not argued with him. I wonder why was it difficult for me to just accept his point of view and move on? He was glad though about me having my own point of views but i am ashamed of my then mentality to have thought only my point of view was right. Along with the rest, i too did all i can to keep him with us and ensure he is happy, but why does it still feel like i could have done much more than i have. It is said that pain makes one mature and responsible which is so true that i agree. After his parting, is when i realized allot of things i could have done better.
He was worried about mummy if at all he was gone. I hope he sees how i am keeping my promise not to worry about a thing about her. I also hope he sees that i have learned to accept her as her and never argue with her rather agree with her point of view accepting her as she is. I still can’t stop her tears missing him, but i try ensuring she never have another tear otherwise. Isn’t that all that i can do, i wonder. Why do i feel so weak and have the feeling that i can do allot more that i dont realize?
I must thank God for giving me the mentality since a child, to understand them and ensure never to hurt them. As i would have died in guilt if i was any different. I see so many people hurt their parents in the name of ego, selfishness, convenience and dominance. What they don’t realize is the guilt that will haunt them as the years pass. The helplessness of the elderly when their loved one hurts them, pains me so much that i wonder how cold blooded can the ones hurting be. So much that they don’t see it with an illutionary wall of ego they built before them. I don’t know if there was anything in my actions that hurt him but i hope he sees that i have always made sure to make him feel happy and proud of me.
Not even the most perfect man can ever take your place papa. You are perfect the way you are with your flaws intact. I am proud to be your daughter papa. You are the best papa i could have had. Thankyou for always moulding my way before i walked on it. Thankyou for knocking sense into me before i did a mistake. Thankyou for taking care of me when i was sick. Thankyou for leading my way when i gave up. Thankyou for being there for me everytime. I am glad to have always listened to you. I miss you papa and will always do. No matter how old i grow into, I will always be your little girl.
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